I have been listening to a social scientist Brene Brown, Ph.D.. She is an expert on shame. Here is what I have learned:
Shame separates us from each other. We all have shame.
Shame drives this type of thinking in our heads: “you’re never good enough” or “who do you think you are?”
Shame can be a product of our perfectionism. When we try to be perfect and don’t meet up to our own expectations, we feel like people are not going to accept us. The lie we listen to is this: IF we could just be perfect, we would be loved and accepted. This is NOT TRUE.
The irony is that our imperfections are the things that connect us to one another as human beings and make us who we are. Being vulnerable is an important step toward admitting our weakness and getting connected with others.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Friday, December 25, 2009
The Freedom to Be Yourself
The Freedom to Be Yourself
You know what is cool about being a teenager? You’re parents don’t always know what you’re up to. You’re starting to do things they way YOU want to do them. Them may tell you not to listen to that music or watch that show…but it’s on your ipod. You watch MTV at a friend’s even though your parents have blocked it. You’re not really as Susie’s house – you only TOLD them you were going to Susie’s. Yeah, OK you may have driven by Susie’s or stopped by Susie’s but your whole plan is to hook up with Dan. Dan is the plan.
You possess the most powerful force in the universe: Free Will. Your God-given right to live your life any way you want to live it. There are 6 billion people on the planet and you, ONLY you have the power to decide on your direction. Only YOU possess the internal compass to navigate your path…your Adventure. You can be yourself and that is a very powerful and freeing experience.
Let Me Be Myself – 3 Doors Down
“Bein' someone else
I tried to kill the pain
Nothin ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hopin to come back around
To find myself someday.
Lately i'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Let me be myselfSo i can shine with my own light
And let me be myself
For a while, if you don't mind
Let me be myself.”
This is all well and good. I am the dude in control of my destiny. I am the man or the woman. All good right? Not so fast…
The Junk is Part of the Journey
We can’t have a heart-to-heart talk about being yourself without talking about some junk, trash, crap, the stuff you’d rather forget. Stuff you’re trying to forget about it. Stuff that makes you pissed off and stuff that makes you cringe or sleep in and not want to face the day.
If you and I sat down and you told me all about the junk…it doesn’t really matter what it is… and let’s face it…there’s some nasty stuff going on. Backstabbing, rumors, breakups, diseases, pregnancies…stuff that if you’re parents knew about…they would pull you out and put you in private school just to try and protect you. Or maybe your parents are the junk…today happened. That event or events in your life that just suck. Just remembering them make you cringe. If I put those up on the screen to showed them to everyone…you would literally die of embarrassment or shame.
“Everything is made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.” (Iris – Goo Goo Dolls)
Your whole life literally went to hell in a handbasket. Cut from the team, failing grades, alone and lonely, sick, depressed, parents breaking up, fill-in-the-blank with the worst thing that has happened to you this year.
If there was somebody, anybody who really knew who you were. What you REALLY wanted. What you REALLY needed. If only there was somebody who knew everything about you but accepted you and like you. If only there was someone like that. Guess what??!! THERE IS!! That person is YOU!
Let’s review: Who are you going to be spending most of your time with? You. Who understands you better than anyone? You! Who knows all the messed up parts of your life? You!
It Can Get Lonely Out There
Guys, write this down cuz this WILL be on the test: Life can be a lonely urney and you better get used to the fact that there is NOBODY: NOT your parents, NOT your friends, NOT your teammates, NOT your church Youth Group… NOBODY is MORE interested in your success in life than YOU. AND YES, this does suck at many levels, but it is also very exciting. Trust me.
Don’t believe me about the selfishness stuff? Let me give you a little assignment to prove to yourself what I am saying is true:
Enter into a conversation and ONLY ask questions: “Really, what was that like?” “Tell me how that made you feel?” “Really, tell me about that [event] in your life.” People will literally talk about themselves forever if you let them. IF the person you are having this conversation with actually stops talking about themselves and asks you a question about your life, I will send you a check for $100. Trust me, you already know this about people…they are NOT really interested in the outcome of your life, your happiness, your success, your achievements, your feelings. You are basically surrounded by really self-centered, self-consumed people.
Let me tell you young teenage friend…I wrote this blog to tell you this…ready for it? Wait for it…wait for it…
If people are basically selfish (that includes all of us), it stands to reason that very few (if anyone) has really taken the time to get to know and appreciate the real you…HAVE YOU TAKEN THE TIME GET TO KNOW YOU AND APPRECIATE YOU? Do you LIKE you?
That is really the starting point. Self-acceptance. Self love (as creepy as that sounds). YOU HAVE TO on some level wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and really like what you see inside. Not your nose, your tan, your hair, not primarily your body or your looks…but the real you…the INSIDE OF YOU (if that makes sense). That’s the part your REAL friends will appreciate. It’s the part that your life partner will fall in love with.
Remember the words from Gym Class Heroes in Catch Me if You Can: “I refuse to feel inferior to you.”
You have to learn to REFUSE to let the voices in your head tell you stuff that's not true. Everyone has those voices: not good enough, not cute enough, not smart enough, not athletic enough, not popular enough. Replace the voice with the Truth: YOU are unique. YOU are special. YOU have amazing potential. YOU can have an amazing life!
This all brings me to my next point: As sucky as this might sound…YOU ALONE are responsible for your happiness. There is nobody better equipped to navigate your life than you. Yes, your parents and friends and counselors and role models can help guide the process, but ultimately YOU are the captain of the ship. YOU are the Pilot of the plane. It’s all up to you.
You know what is cool about being a teenager? You’re parents don’t always know what you’re up to. You’re starting to do things they way YOU want to do them. Them may tell you not to listen to that music or watch that show…but it’s on your ipod. You watch MTV at a friend’s even though your parents have blocked it. You’re not really as Susie’s house – you only TOLD them you were going to Susie’s. Yeah, OK you may have driven by Susie’s or stopped by Susie’s but your whole plan is to hook up with Dan. Dan is the plan.
You possess the most powerful force in the universe: Free Will. Your God-given right to live your life any way you want to live it. There are 6 billion people on the planet and you, ONLY you have the power to decide on your direction. Only YOU possess the internal compass to navigate your path…your Adventure. You can be yourself and that is a very powerful and freeing experience.
Let Me Be Myself – 3 Doors Down
“Bein' someone else
I tried to kill the pain
Nothin ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hopin to come back around
To find myself someday.
Lately i'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Let me be myselfSo i can shine with my own light
And let me be myself
For a while, if you don't mind
Let me be myself.”
This is all well and good. I am the dude in control of my destiny. I am the man or the woman. All good right? Not so fast…
The Junk is Part of the Journey
We can’t have a heart-to-heart talk about being yourself without talking about some junk, trash, crap, the stuff you’d rather forget. Stuff you’re trying to forget about it. Stuff that makes you pissed off and stuff that makes you cringe or sleep in and not want to face the day.
If you and I sat down and you told me all about the junk…it doesn’t really matter what it is… and let’s face it…there’s some nasty stuff going on. Backstabbing, rumors, breakups, diseases, pregnancies…stuff that if you’re parents knew about…they would pull you out and put you in private school just to try and protect you. Or maybe your parents are the junk…today happened. That event or events in your life that just suck. Just remembering them make you cringe. If I put those up on the screen to showed them to everyone…you would literally die of embarrassment or shame.
“Everything is made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.” (Iris – Goo Goo Dolls)
Your whole life literally went to hell in a handbasket. Cut from the team, failing grades, alone and lonely, sick, depressed, parents breaking up, fill-in-the-blank with the worst thing that has happened to you this year.
If there was somebody, anybody who really knew who you were. What you REALLY wanted. What you REALLY needed. If only there was somebody who knew everything about you but accepted you and like you. If only there was someone like that. Guess what??!! THERE IS!! That person is YOU!
Let’s review: Who are you going to be spending most of your time with? You. Who understands you better than anyone? You! Who knows all the messed up parts of your life? You!
It Can Get Lonely Out There
Guys, write this down cuz this WILL be on the test: Life can be a lonely urney and you better get used to the fact that there is NOBODY: NOT your parents, NOT your friends, NOT your teammates, NOT your church Youth Group… NOBODY is MORE interested in your success in life than YOU. AND YES, this does suck at many levels, but it is also very exciting. Trust me.
Don’t believe me about the selfishness stuff? Let me give you a little assignment to prove to yourself what I am saying is true:
Enter into a conversation and ONLY ask questions: “Really, what was that like?” “Tell me how that made you feel?” “Really, tell me about that [event] in your life.” People will literally talk about themselves forever if you let them. IF the person you are having this conversation with actually stops talking about themselves and asks you a question about your life, I will send you a check for $100. Trust me, you already know this about people…they are NOT really interested in the outcome of your life, your happiness, your success, your achievements, your feelings. You are basically surrounded by really self-centered, self-consumed people.
Let me tell you young teenage friend…I wrote this blog to tell you this…ready for it? Wait for it…wait for it…
If people are basically selfish (that includes all of us), it stands to reason that very few (if anyone) has really taken the time to get to know and appreciate the real you…HAVE YOU TAKEN THE TIME GET TO KNOW YOU AND APPRECIATE YOU? Do you LIKE you?
That is really the starting point. Self-acceptance. Self love (as creepy as that sounds). YOU HAVE TO on some level wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and really like what you see inside. Not your nose, your tan, your hair, not primarily your body or your looks…but the real you…the INSIDE OF YOU (if that makes sense). That’s the part your REAL friends will appreciate. It’s the part that your life partner will fall in love with.
Remember the words from Gym Class Heroes in Catch Me if You Can: “I refuse to feel inferior to you.”
You have to learn to REFUSE to let the voices in your head tell you stuff that's not true. Everyone has those voices: not good enough, not cute enough, not smart enough, not athletic enough, not popular enough. Replace the voice with the Truth: YOU are unique. YOU are special. YOU have amazing potential. YOU can have an amazing life!
This all brings me to my next point: As sucky as this might sound…YOU ALONE are responsible for your happiness. There is nobody better equipped to navigate your life than you. Yes, your parents and friends and counselors and role models can help guide the process, but ultimately YOU are the captain of the ship. YOU are the Pilot of the plane. It’s all up to you.
Let’s review:
- You have the freedom to be yourself.
- The junk is part of the journey so learn to like yourself…even love yourself even though you’re not perfect.
- People are basically self-centered, so get used to it. They are NOT looking out for you. That’s your job.
- You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness. If your life sucks…at the end of the day, you are the only one who can make it better – the way you want it to be.
Friday, November 28, 2008
My ENFP Personality Profile
Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving (ENFP, Myers-Briggs Personality Test)
ENFP children are 'into everything.' Their natural curiosity results in children for whom questions were invented. They often spend long periods of time devising new and original --- but not necessarily practical --- languages, plays, and scenarios. Many ENFPs enjoy drawing, writing, playacting, and dreaming. They are often chosen as leaders because of their persuasive enthusiasm and their energy for new and different ways of developing things.
ENFP teenagers are agreeable, sociable, outgoing people who like to imagine themselves in the future. They spend many hours wondering and discussing with friends whom they will marry, where they will live, what their children will be like, and what work they will do. They leave no option or possibility unexplored and find it difficult to see themselves in any single job or career.
Because they see endless possibilities, to select one possibility appears to the ENFP to be too narrow a focus. They hate to be boxed into a career for life and therefore hesitate and resist making decisions. It is unwise for ENFPs to settle down too early, and they make the soundest choices when they delay career and marriage decisions until their middle to late twenties. Often when a decision is made, ENFPs will still leave a number of options open or change their minds as they encounter new information.
Even in their everyday activities, ENFPs often search for the new and the novel. If there is a logical route to work and ENFP has been driving that way continually, he or she will likely tire of it and look for other routes.
ENFPs are more likely than other types to change from one career to another, demonstrating their versatility in doing so. It is not uncommon to hear stories of ENFPs who have established themselves in a career and who, when faced with the daily routine of maintaining it, leave it to start another.
Adult ENFPs maintain characteristics that might be considered youthful, such as enthusiasm, curiosity, and a zestful outlook on life. As a result, people often enjoy being with them. Many times they are young-in-spirit as they age, perhaps because of their temperament.
ENFPs look forward to retirement as a time that can bring freedom from the restrictions of the work world and ample opportunity to pursue their varied interests. However, if ENFPs become disabled or experience a lack of resources, such as money, they may become despondent because this restricts their ability to quest after new experiences.
ENFP children are 'into everything.' Their natural curiosity results in children for whom questions were invented. They often spend long periods of time devising new and original --- but not necessarily practical --- languages, plays, and scenarios. Many ENFPs enjoy drawing, writing, playacting, and dreaming. They are often chosen as leaders because of their persuasive enthusiasm and their energy for new and different ways of developing things.
ENFP teenagers are agreeable, sociable, outgoing people who like to imagine themselves in the future. They spend many hours wondering and discussing with friends whom they will marry, where they will live, what their children will be like, and what work they will do. They leave no option or possibility unexplored and find it difficult to see themselves in any single job or career.
Because they see endless possibilities, to select one possibility appears to the ENFP to be too narrow a focus. They hate to be boxed into a career for life and therefore hesitate and resist making decisions. It is unwise for ENFPs to settle down too early, and they make the soundest choices when they delay career and marriage decisions until their middle to late twenties. Often when a decision is made, ENFPs will still leave a number of options open or change their minds as they encounter new information.
Even in their everyday activities, ENFPs often search for the new and the novel. If there is a logical route to work and ENFP has been driving that way continually, he or she will likely tire of it and look for other routes.
ENFPs are more likely than other types to change from one career to another, demonstrating their versatility in doing so. It is not uncommon to hear stories of ENFPs who have established themselves in a career and who, when faced with the daily routine of maintaining it, leave it to start another.
Adult ENFPs maintain characteristics that might be considered youthful, such as enthusiasm, curiosity, and a zestful outlook on life. As a result, people often enjoy being with them. Many times they are young-in-spirit as they age, perhaps because of their temperament.
ENFPs look forward to retirement as a time that can bring freedom from the restrictions of the work world and ample opportunity to pursue their varied interests. However, if ENFPs become disabled or experience a lack of resources, such as money, they may become despondent because this restricts their ability to quest after new experiences.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Same Spiritual Page
My personality (Myers-Briggs) is ENFP. Only 2-3% of the population is ENFP so I often feel like a right-brained guy in a left-brained world. I am hoping to find fellow sojourners on a similar spiritual path, so I was wondering where are you on your faith journey? Let’s see how you and I compare. I am onboard with the following:
You want your faith journey to include people who have a faith that can embrace doubt, struggle, inquiry and searching.
Because you no longer believe all the things you have been taught about God, Jesus, and the Bible, you feel as though you are slipping to the edge of Christianity, and you sometimes fear you might slide over the edge.
You really want to hold onto a faith that you feel has intellectual integrity and that you don't feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about.
You sometimes feel so uncomfortable with some of your church's teaching and with the beliefs and attitudes of fellow Christians, that you feel a greater kinship with people who are not religious.
You are beginning to suspect that the faith you previously subscribed to (perhaps the one you’ve grown up with), might be a narrow, somewhat impoverished, sectarian form of Christianity.
You relate to the disenfranchised people who like Jesus, but dislike the church.
You are more comfortable with a less literal understanding of the message of the Bible and appreciate a greater emphasis on the human background and history of the Bible and the adventure of faith.
You have a greater interest in Jesus as a historical person and in Jesus' teachings, especially about non-violence (love of enemies), instead of focusing almost exclusively on his suffering, death and resurrection; seeing social justice concerns as central to what it means to being a Christian in the Kingdom of God, not something peripheral.
You appreciate less emphasis on the other-worldly aspects of the Christian faith and a greater focus on what being a Christian means for our life here on earth today.
You need to have your faith reinvigorated. You need to experience the liberating joy of faith in your life…otherwise you feel your faith must be jettisoned before it takes you down with it.
You long for a place where genuine discussion takes place about growing in faith, love and hope. You are no longer interested in the parroted wisdom of the traditional church.
You wish there was a place where emerging Christian thinkers, theologians, philosophers, apologists from around the world could engage in meaningful, ongoing conversation.
The evangelical fundamentalist Jesus seems to be an angry Jesus, a Jesus who rails against abortionists, gays, liberals, Democrats…and yet who has nothing to say about other Top 10 Sins.
You feel empathy toward people who say that religion was shoved down their throat and they walked away from God.
You used to think that science was a threat to religion. You now realize the Creator god may have used the mechanism of evolution as the best current scientific explanation for all biological systems on earth. You are not a young-earth creationist.
You care about people outside of the faith. You wish you could give people who have given up on Christianity a reason to take another look.
You want your faith journey to include people who have a faith that can embrace doubt, struggle, inquiry and searching.
Because you no longer believe all the things you have been taught about God, Jesus, and the Bible, you feel as though you are slipping to the edge of Christianity, and you sometimes fear you might slide over the edge.
You really want to hold onto a faith that you feel has intellectual integrity and that you don't feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about.
You sometimes feel so uncomfortable with some of your church's teaching and with the beliefs and attitudes of fellow Christians, that you feel a greater kinship with people who are not religious.
You are beginning to suspect that the faith you previously subscribed to (perhaps the one you’ve grown up with), might be a narrow, somewhat impoverished, sectarian form of Christianity.
You relate to the disenfranchised people who like Jesus, but dislike the church.
You are more comfortable with a less literal understanding of the message of the Bible and appreciate a greater emphasis on the human background and history of the Bible and the adventure of faith.
You have a greater interest in Jesus as a historical person and in Jesus' teachings, especially about non-violence (love of enemies), instead of focusing almost exclusively on his suffering, death and resurrection; seeing social justice concerns as central to what it means to being a Christian in the Kingdom of God, not something peripheral.
You appreciate less emphasis on the other-worldly aspects of the Christian faith and a greater focus on what being a Christian means for our life here on earth today.
You need to have your faith reinvigorated. You need to experience the liberating joy of faith in your life…otherwise you feel your faith must be jettisoned before it takes you down with it.
You long for a place where genuine discussion takes place about growing in faith, love and hope. You are no longer interested in the parroted wisdom of the traditional church.
You wish there was a place where emerging Christian thinkers, theologians, philosophers, apologists from around the world could engage in meaningful, ongoing conversation.
The evangelical fundamentalist Jesus seems to be an angry Jesus, a Jesus who rails against abortionists, gays, liberals, Democrats…and yet who has nothing to say about other Top 10 Sins.
You feel empathy toward people who say that religion was shoved down their throat and they walked away from God.
You used to think that science was a threat to religion. You now realize the Creator god may have used the mechanism of evolution as the best current scientific explanation for all biological systems on earth. You are not a young-earth creationist.
You care about people outside of the faith. You wish you could give people who have given up on Christianity a reason to take another look.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
On Being Real
There are so many things I love about Robin Williams. Besides his insane, manic, brilliant comedy, he is so incredibly transparent about his “stuff”. He once said about his past drug addiction, "Cocaine is God's way of telling you you're making too much money". I love how he is just himself with no pretense. Recently, he quietly slipped back into drinking after making back-to-back movies and decided on his own to enter a sobriety program in Oregon. He realized he was drinking again and was not supposed to be, and he had to deal with it. Simple as that. He is messed up, I am messed up, you are messed up…let’s laugh about it, deal with it, and get on with life.
Despite his (my) failures, at the end of the day he is a very funny man with a big heart. I think that’s why we all love him so much. He has made three trips to Afghanistan and two to Iraq to entertain the troops, he regularly visits sick children through the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and he founded Comic Relief—which has raised $50 million for the homeless. He is on the board of the Christopher Reeve Foundation (CRF), which is devoted to spinal-cord-injury research. Christopher Reeve was his lifelong friend from college.
I love some of the lines from his most recent movie, Man of the Year. As he is surrounded by journalists during his presidential campaign, he says, “I did inhale because I thought 'What the hell, it's lit, it's in my hand, I'll inhale it.' “When I was a young boy, I used to look at pictures of naked ladies.” “I just farted a little bit back there, if any of you were going to ask…”
Manic, brilliant, addicted, giving, faithful friend, real, playful, transparent…are all words to describe him. What words describe me? How about you? Put the good ones and bad ones in there. Sometimes I think my public and private failures somehow disqualify me from living a meaningful, fun, giving, exuberant life. Perhaps I think I should wallow in my misery for a few years and pay my dues for my failures. Somehow, I don’t think Robin would agree. I think he would say something like "Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"
Despite his (my) failures, at the end of the day he is a very funny man with a big heart. I think that’s why we all love him so much. He has made three trips to Afghanistan and two to Iraq to entertain the troops, he regularly visits sick children through the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and he founded Comic Relief—which has raised $50 million for the homeless. He is on the board of the Christopher Reeve Foundation (CRF), which is devoted to spinal-cord-injury research. Christopher Reeve was his lifelong friend from college.
I love some of the lines from his most recent movie, Man of the Year. As he is surrounded by journalists during his presidential campaign, he says, “I did inhale because I thought 'What the hell, it's lit, it's in my hand, I'll inhale it.' “When I was a young boy, I used to look at pictures of naked ladies.” “I just farted a little bit back there, if any of you were going to ask…”
Manic, brilliant, addicted, giving, faithful friend, real, playful, transparent…are all words to describe him. What words describe me? How about you? Put the good ones and bad ones in there. Sometimes I think my public and private failures somehow disqualify me from living a meaningful, fun, giving, exuberant life. Perhaps I think I should wallow in my misery for a few years and pay my dues for my failures. Somehow, I don’t think Robin would agree. I think he would say something like "Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"
Monday, November 20, 2006
Thoughts on Thought & Attitude
"Attitude is an inward feeling expressed by outward behavior. People always project on the outside what they feel on the inside. Some people try to mask their attitude, and they can fool others for a while. But it does not last long…attitude always wiggles its way out. Attitude is:
The vanguard of the true self.
Its root is inward but its fruit is outward.
It is your best friend or your worst enemy.
It is more honest and consistent about you than your words.
It is your outward look based on your past experiences.
It is what draws people to you or repels them.
It is never content until it is expressed.
It is the librarian of your past.
It is the speaker of your present.
It is the prophet of your future.
It colors every aspect of your life. It is the mind’s paintbrush."
(Excerpt from John Maxwell, The Difference Maker)
“I can make you rise or fall. I can work for you or against you. I can make you a success or a failure. I control the way that you feel and the way that you act. I can make you laugh…work…love. I can make your heart sing with joy…excitement…elation. Or I can make your wretched…dejected…morbid. I can make you sick…listless. I can be as a shackle…heavy…attached…burdensome. Or I can be as the prism’s hue…dancing…bright…fleeting…lost forever unless captured by pen or purpose. I can be nurtured and grown to be great and beautiful…seen by the eyes of others through action in your. I can never be removed…only replaced. I am a THOUGHT. Why not know me better?” (Bob Conklin)
Coaching is all about your current life and what you're going to do with it. Coaching work starts with the belief that people should be designing their lives. Most people are not designing life at all. People just wake up into a life - and that's it. When you start to address designing your life, everything changes. Are you designing your life? People don't realize that their lives are based on their thinking. Your philosophies and the voices in your head (the itty-bitty-shitty committee) are making all your decisions and choices - they are literally shaping your life. Do you even know what philosophies you're living in and what they're doing in your life? The brutal truth is that anyone can look at what is in your life and tell you exactly what philosophies you are living by. Most people think that what they have is a result of circumstances. We at emergentcoach.com say there's something you're not seeing. If you understood the dynamics of your own thinking and philosophies, you can change so easily. Your mind is busy. If you figure out what your mind is doing for a living and what philosophies you are living in, then you can deal with the fallacies. Coaching is about using the best philosophy for change. We know how to help you to change your mind. We also know how to help you change your actions.
The vanguard of the true self.
Its root is inward but its fruit is outward.
It is your best friend or your worst enemy.
It is more honest and consistent about you than your words.
It is your outward look based on your past experiences.
It is what draws people to you or repels them.
It is never content until it is expressed.
It is the librarian of your past.
It is the speaker of your present.
It is the prophet of your future.
It colors every aspect of your life. It is the mind’s paintbrush."
(Excerpt from John Maxwell, The Difference Maker)
“I can make you rise or fall. I can work for you or against you. I can make you a success or a failure. I control the way that you feel and the way that you act. I can make you laugh…work…love. I can make your heart sing with joy…excitement…elation. Or I can make your wretched…dejected…morbid. I can make you sick…listless. I can be as a shackle…heavy…attached…burdensome. Or I can be as the prism’s hue…dancing…bright…fleeting…lost forever unless captured by pen or purpose. I can be nurtured and grown to be great and beautiful…seen by the eyes of others through action in your. I can never be removed…only replaced. I am a THOUGHT. Why not know me better?” (Bob Conklin)
Coaching is all about your current life and what you're going to do with it. Coaching work starts with the belief that people should be designing their lives. Most people are not designing life at all. People just wake up into a life - and that's it. When you start to address designing your life, everything changes. Are you designing your life? People don't realize that their lives are based on their thinking. Your philosophies and the voices in your head (the itty-bitty-shitty committee) are making all your decisions and choices - they are literally shaping your life. Do you even know what philosophies you're living in and what they're doing in your life? The brutal truth is that anyone can look at what is in your life and tell you exactly what philosophies you are living by. Most people think that what they have is a result of circumstances. We at emergentcoach.com say there's something you're not seeing. If you understood the dynamics of your own thinking and philosophies, you can change so easily. Your mind is busy. If you figure out what your mind is doing for a living and what philosophies you are living in, then you can deal with the fallacies. Coaching is about using the best philosophy for change. We know how to help you to change your mind. We also know how to help you change your actions.
Emerson on The Objection to Conforming
"The objection to conforming to usages that have become dead to you is, that it scatters your force. It loses your time and blurs the impression of your character. If you maintain a dead church, contribute to a dead Bible-society, vote with a great party either for the government or against it, spread your table like base housekeepers, — under all these screens I have difficulty to detect the precise man you are. And, of course, so much force is withdrawn from your proper life. But do your work, and I shall know you. Do your work, and you shall reinforce yourself. A man must consider what a blindman's-buff is this game of conformity. If I know your sect, I anticipate your argument. I hear a preacher announce for his text and topic the expediency of one of the institutions of his church. Do I not know beforehand that not possibly can he say a new and spontaneous word? Do I not know that, with all this ostentation of examining the grounds of the institution, he will do no such thing? Do I not know that he is pledged to himself not to look but at one side, — the permitted side, not as a man, but as a parish minister? He is a retained attorney, and these airs of the bench are the emptiest affectation. Well, most men have bound their eyes with one or another handkerchief, and attached themselves to some one of these communities of opinion. This conformity makes them not false in a few particulars, authors of a few lies, but false in all particulars. Their every truth is not quite true. Their two is not the real two, their four not the real four; so that every word they say chagrins us, and we know not where to begin to set them right. Meantime nature is not slow to equip us in the prison-uniform of the party to which we adhere. We come to wear one cut of face and figure, and acquire by degrees the gentlest asinine expression. There is a mortifying experience in particular, which does not fail to wreak itself also in the general history; I mean "the foolish face of praise," the forced smile which we put on in company where we do not feel at ease in answer to conversation which does not interest us. The muscles, not spontaneously moved, but moved by a low usurping wilfulness, grow tight about the outline of the face with the most disagreeable sensation. "
Ralph Waldo Emerson in Self-Reliance
Emerson also said, "Your goodness must have an edge to it - else it is none." Do people know the precise man or woman that you are? Are you wearing the prison-uniform of the party? One way to get free: admit the weakness of your position. Let down your guard and be honest about how messed up things really are. Allow yourself and the people around you to explore deeper and wider than they have been allowed to up to now...let yourself ask the unthinkable questions and live your life "out loud" in the real world. No more forced smiles.
Ralph Waldo Emerson in Self-Reliance
Emerson also said, "Your goodness must have an edge to it - else it is none." Do people know the precise man or woman that you are? Are you wearing the prison-uniform of the party? One way to get free: admit the weakness of your position. Let down your guard and be honest about how messed up things really are. Allow yourself and the people around you to explore deeper and wider than they have been allowed to up to now...let yourself ask the unthinkable questions and live your life "out loud" in the real world. No more forced smiles.
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